Friday, June 20, 2003


I wish that she read my blog. Among other things.

I wish I could sleep.

I wish I could wank.

I hate this.

When I feel heavy metal
And I'm pins and I'm needles
Well I lie and I'm easy
All of the time but I'm never sure when I need you
Pleased to meet you

Blur - Song 2.


It's 4.30am and I've finally managed to get access to El Presidente's laptop over here in Evergreen Hotel. I decided to crash over again tonight to avoid thinking too much again. I'm drained. Both mentally and physically. The setup process of Netcity II was a success and I have yet to recover from the strain and stress. My total sleep time for the past 4 days barely covers the normal sleeptime I get . And yet I'm still here. See, I 'm having trouble composing my thoughts properly.

I guess the thing that's been keeping me sane these past week is also the same thing that's ripping me apart. And I almost forgot what it all feels like. And I don't know which way to go. She's been really supportive and fun to hang out with, yet we both know that we may be getting too close for comfort. I don't want to lose what we have, which is a great understanding and friendship. Tulan. I don't know anymore. I guess it's been that long since I was like this.

But being myself, I talked too much. Again. And been trying to distract myself from my inner turmoil. I wish that there was someone I could talk to about all this. Fuck me. Then again maybe not. Ze president is snoring away at the moment, oblivious to my rantings. Later, we'll call up Mecha (who's turned into EvilMecha) and POSSIBLY do breakfast, and some swimming as well. Oh wait, I can't swim. Nevermind then. Ah finally got Kazaa Lite up on El Presidente's laptop. Music is something that my soul is seriously needing at the moment. I scare myself sometimes, so imagine how it would scare others. sigh.

Should I stay up another day to watch the sunrise? Mecha's been awake for 7days so far, and I know I'm not getting enough sleep cos I've been hallucinating. Seeing things that shouldnt be seeing. and so on and so forth. I'm starting to lose my train of thought again. So many things so little time. Yet I do it all like clockwork. Heck, I haven't even been practising Onanism this past week. Yes it's been that bad for wanker me. :P

I just downloaded Rammstein and will put Sonne on repeat to help me sleep better. As far as I can tell, there's alot of numbers in the song. :P Lemme see if I can get the lyrics for it.... omg I can! gg google.

The sun is shining out of my hands
it can burn, it can blind you
when it breaks out of the fists
it lays down hotly on your face
it lays down painfully on your chest
balance is lost
it lets you go hard to the floor
and the world counts loudly to ten

Rammstein - Sonne ( Sun)

Go figure.

Monday, June 16, 2003


I am a little bit of loneliness a little bit of disregard
Handful of complaints but I can’t help the fact that everybody can see
these scars
I am what I want you to want what I want you to feel
But it's like no matter what I do, I can't convince you, to just believe
this is real
So I let go, watching you, turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here cause you want what I've got

I am a little bit insecure a little unconfident
Cause you don't understand I do what I can but sometimes I don't make
I say what you never wanna say but I've never had a doubt
It's like no matter what I do I can't convince you for once just to hear
me out
So I let go watching you turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here 'cause you’re all that I've got

I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't heal this damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored

Linkin Park - Faint

Issues indeed.

Sunday, June 15, 2003


She woke me up today, asking for magazines for her uni assignment. Right. I've been kinda lacking sleep for the past few days, and yesterday was one night which we managed to keep things to the schedule, and I have to be awake so early. :P Oh well.

As you can see, I now have my LHC avatar/mascot/carebearstare up, and it's all thanks to my squashes strawberry milk carton. :) I bumped into elaine online the other night, and finally managed to ask the magic question; what went wrong? And with her reply, my heart is now whole again, all ripe for the picking. There's truth in her words, even more than I actually realised; that the spectre of Pam has been holding me back all this while. I guess that's how I lost Shaneen, Aileen and Elaine; because I could not commit myself to them fully; because there was always one bit of me, that was hoping for that miracle that she'd come back to me, even though she's engaged and all that. I know it's a lil too late, but I've finally awakened. And freed my heart of her shackles. It's a pity that she doesn't talk to me anymore cos she's a great friend to have around. Ah well.

Ze president is returning to the island even as I blog, and he asked me where should I stay, and I was running through the list of hotels for him, and he was like but I'm sick of Gurney, and I was like, would you prefer to hang out with suicide victims at Northam, and he was like ok, I'll call you when I reach Gurney. That was easy wasn't it?

Dammit it's only 1.15pm and my keyboard has a funky feel to it. I'm only hoping Danny wasn't getting himself off while watching my MILFHunter and Bangbus series, WHILE I was sleeping too. He's currently feigning death on the floor of my living room. He used to do that alot before he had a job, and now that he's bumming around again, I can forsee alot more of that to come. I shalt have to go tazer him kick him awake and get Ah boy up as well cos I plan to leave by 3. Probably gonna go meet up with Mecha at some coffee bean or another. OMG I haven't had coffee for fucking weeks! I need my coffeeeeeeee. *plonk*I should also get my tazer back from Jobe.

Hmm. Should I call and ask her along? Or should I just resign myself to the fact that it's just another pipe dream. Never was and never will. Sigh.

I want my squashed strawberry milk carton. It would be so much easier.


Special thanks to my strawberry milk carton for the assist. ;)

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