Saturday, May 04, 2002
Tonight The Gunners square off against The Blues in the FA Cup final. When that happens, I intend to be in the thick of it, down at the Dunhill Football street party at the Bunglow. Heck, I might even decide to make some bets, since the market rates have Arsenal giving 1/2 a ball. Yet the fear is there though. I've always been sticking to my workplace for a reason, because I would never EVER see her here. I know that there's very little chance of bumping into her at a footie party, but then again, I just hope that her fiance isn't a footie fan. Right. Tonight the Gunners finish off the Blues an on Wednesday, the Gunners finish off the Premiership by taking down MU. Wishful thinking . I guess I'll always be a dreamer . See you guys at the party.
Thursday, May 02, 2002
I was going to tell you about how good a watch Spiderman was. I was going to write bout how Kristen Durst was not meant to be Mary Jane. I was going to rant about the upcoming summer movies, such as the much anticipated Episode II:Attack of the Clones, or the Austin Powers' sequel, Goldmember, or about how the hell could Ben Affleck play Jack Ryan in The Sum of All Fears. I was going to write so much about nothing. And then I read Nael's latest blog. And my world once again collapsed.
I understand and feel the pain that he's going through. After all, it's not far from what I'm experiencing now. Of my hazy and spotted past, Pam was the one person in my life that mattered so much. And I fucked it up. She was my driving force, my divine guide, the love of my life. And now she's preparing to marry another man.
I guess it's the same story all over. About how things could go wrong. About how I took her for granted, hoping that she would wait for me while I planned my fortune. About how I wronged her with my straying mind. It was a recipe for disaster to begin with. A romantic fool's dream. I'm Muslim. She's Chinese. My mother and grandma loved her. Her dad hated me. As she put it, he's a racist. Can't blame him. Being of mixed blood causes one to be alienated from both sides. I loved her. I still do.
I had so much planned. The wedding. A home. A family. So much for the master plan.
But then she left me. Three times. It was my fault though. I took her for granted. I didn't give her the space to pursue her career. I demanded a little too much attention from her, yet hardly returned the favour. My flirting ways didn't help as well, always screwing up with my hand in another cookie jar. And so two years ago, she left. And she never came back. And that's when my world collapsed.
I realised that I had lost everything. I lost the will to do anything and everything. I lost my direction. Everything else, the sunrise, the music, was a pale shadow without her. I died inside. And I wished so bad that I could die outside as well.
As I slipped down the downward spiral, I started killing what was left of me outside. Letting everything go. Making myself hated. It would have been easier if I was. My friends dragged me out of it though, against my will. And as I sobered up and smelled the coffee, I started the agonizing task of building myself a world . A world without her. I'm still working on it.
As I embraced my geeky inner child, I slided into the world of computers. Small victories as I struggled to regain control of my life. Even moved to KL to work. Yet as much as I try, I can't seem to rid myself of her. As much as I lie to myself, I still love her. Yet I soldiered on. I moved back to Penang. We became friends again. Just friends. Even though deep inside, there was always the hope of starting over. And then it happened.
She got attached. I felt another part die in me. I could sense that this one would go all the way. How I wished I was wrong.
We lost touch. I lost part of myself again. I stopped sleeping at one point. I would get frequent visits from Illyana, the daughter that wasn't meant to be. It freaked out the guys at work though, seeing me conversing with nothing. But I pulled myself together. I closed up my wounds. Forced myself to heal.
I got back on my two feet.. again.. and went back to my geek lifestyle. Just me and my pc. 12 hours a day. Escapism was the order of the day. And then the news seeped back through to me. I still can't seem to remember who told me though. It shocked me. My world froze. Pam was getting married. And I realised that I've been lying to myself. That one day we would be together again. Just like lobsters. We don't choose who we love. Love chooses us. I just wish love would let me go.
I now have no direction. Just drifting along with the wind. I have no motivation anymore. Money afterall doesn't motivate me. Neither does power. I'm just a shell of a man I once was.
I guess I'll be seeing her when I attend Patrick's wedding. After all, she is his sister. Doesn't make things any easier. To be a plethora of emotions, all at the same time. Glee, Sorrow, Love, Despair, Dream, Delirium.
I love her. Always have. Always will.
Wednesday, May 01, 2002
I'm going to watch Spiderman later at 7.50pm at Island Plaza with the rest of the guys. And yes I do have my hopes up. And I believe that we have extra tickets too. So if anyone wants to join a group of geeks for this spectacular outing, call me, or show up at the scene. AND IF YUO AER A HOT CHICK THE TICKET'S FREEEEEE!
Awwwww MU falls down, goes boom. And there's no way they can get Premiership either, even if they manage to beat the Gunners this weekend. *grinz*
Tuesday, April 30, 2002
(Perverse Spoiled Dysfunctional Adult)
Your inner child is the Little Filthy Old Pervert (PSDA). He's not so bad, though, as far as inner children are concerned. Just give him a park bench and a trenchcoat and he's ready to go.
What's more, you could practically hang meat on all of your hang-ups. Phobias, fetishes, anxieties, neurosese... there are so many things happening inside you at once that your inner child is lost in the woods and hunted by wierd psycological animals. He stays hidden so much it's like he's not even there.
It's not so much that he's insane, it's just that you're crazy.
It's up to you to lure him out with bits of cheese and sugar and get him some rehabilitation. Or stay hunted.
How true can it get?
I know it's been a while since I've updated this blog, and I feel so bad about it. It's Monday once again, and alot happened since me last input. Adren was back for the weekend, and I got him addicted on Dungeon Siege. With me playing crash test dummy, he managed to make almost 50 levels in 2 nights! And now that he's back in KL, he'd like me to email him his character. Once again, I've created a monster.
My darling teddybwear got herself a blog, and one of her reasons stated for starting one is me! Oh well, she writes better than me too. Come to think of it, almost everyone on my bloglist writes better than me. Especially the alcoholic. And the goth wannabe. Oh. And last night, I had some girl who was out with Boon call me cute. About 50 times or so. That's scary.
I've been watching a number of movies these past few days. Showtime was an okay watch, though I did find Eddie Murphy a tad too irritating. The 51st State on the other hand was very entertaining, with Samuel L. Jackson looking like the mean mother Jules he played in Pulp Fiction , cept that this time he does it in a kilt. The best movie I've watched this week though would be Briton's wanna be Gangsta, Ali G. Already host of a hilarious television series, the G-wannabe makes a rather successful transition to the big screen in Ali G in Da House. With a cracker of a soundtrack, namely General Levy's Incredible, which was played in the intro, and Chaka Demus & Pliers' Tease Me, during the Peace Convention, Old Skool seems to be the flavor of the movie. You'd really have to watch it to believe it . It doesn't damage your brain as much as Kung-Pow , or Freddy got Fingered, so give it a shot then .
Da Gospel as translated by Ali G.
The return of GI JOE. Just click on the PLAY button to watch.
I shall now attempt to once again get a life. YA RIGHT.