For every beginning there is an end.

My trip to Ipoh has been beset by complications. Upon arriving here, the full brunt of the news hit me. My grandma was having problems with the operation due to an abnormal heart. The check up has showed that she has an extra valve in her heart, adding complications to an already complicating situation. She has stones in her gall bladder, and it looks like her whole bladder will have to be removed. Also, they need to remove stones in her liver. They plan to operate on her tomorrow, and it took me all my will to just try not to burst out in tears when I saw her. It also took her alot not to burst out in tears when she saw me. I guess now I know which part of the family did I get the stubborness from.

I planned to leave earlier tonight, but with the new insight on the matter, I've delayed my return till after the operation which is tomorrow. If everything goes well then I'll be making another trip to Ipoh on Saturday with Eric. It's been a rather tough night so far, and my time here in this cybercafe near my Ipoh time is taking the load off my mind, for the moment. Leisure Cove and Leisure Bay plans will still continue as usual though.

I was checking out the supermarket just opposite my Ipoh house here, and ended up buying some interesting pr0n. Yes, the supermarts do sell pr0n here. Go figure. Ah Boon has already made a booking for some of the titles so he can burn them and redistribute among the guys. Me, I just trying to find myself a distraction. Just some time away from the cruel hand of fate. Time to ponder things. I guess I better get going. Being in some Ipoh housing estate at this time can't be that safe, can it?

My grandmother who brought me up during the first 10 years of my life is currently in the Critical Care Unit of Ipoh's Fatimah Hospital. She brought me up to be the liberal person I am, instead of having me go the way of the traditional malay lifestyle. I was brought up to respect all religions, with Quran reading being thought to be in the evenings by an Uztazah while my grandma would attend sunset mass on Saturdays at the Ipoh Garden church. She was the one who accepted me for who I am, not by colour, breed or creed, and also taught me to be all that I can. In that respect however, I believe I've failed her. I have played down my potential, deciding to stay the shell that I am today because of the devastation of love.

I return to Ipoh tomorrow in hope that I get there in time, and also that maybe it's just a false alarm. But me being the pessimist I am, my mind is in turmoil. Especially in the still of the night now, with noises being heard outside which I choose not to pay attention to. Regardless, I expect to be back in Penang in time to settle some loose ends before rejoining the rest of the family on Saturday.

I feel jaded somehow. When I got the summons to return today, I somehow didn't feel a sense of urgency to it. I love my grandma and I really fear losing her, yet I felt nothing throughout the day. Have I really become that empty? To not feel anymore? Being the eldest of this side of the family, I'm still single, clueless and morose. I'm sure she'd be expecting me to be married with great grandchildren for her to be proud of. I really wish that I didn't lose Illyana now. Yes I do see her when I sleep.. or is it when I don't? She would be 3 now if she was born in the first place. sigh. I'm losing it again aren't I.

I don't know what to do at the moment. Maybe I'll surf somemore. Or clean my room in the dark. Or just wait. Wait for the sun to finally rise. Wait for hope. Wait.

Today was a blur though. I woke up early due to the beer, and was rather groggy for the rest of the day. I kinda knocked out again around 4 only to wake up at 5.30pm, which was really bad cos shift transfer had to be done at 6. Somehow I managed to get to Nets by 6 and ended up having dinner with Adren and Boon who dropped by. After dinner, they decided to give FIFA World Cup 2002 a go and ended up playing non stop till around 3am. I still don't know how they could play almost 5 hours of football. I went over to Ah Teik's and got myself Minority Report along with a couple of other lame shows. Maybe I'll watch Minority Report as a nightcap.

I do need my sleep though. Badly. I gotta get to Leisure Holidays tomorrow to check on my account and clear things up, which means I have to wake up my noon. Maybe I might get to see Jul tomorrow as well. We'll see how things go.

It's early Monday morning and I'm totally worn out. And the week has just started, even though it's just ending for me. Maybe it was the drinking session on Saturday night with the guys, namely Adren, Boon, Eric and Beow. I decided to plan a proper sit down dinner for us at Restaurant 77. No occasion really. Just think of it as a much needed get-together. Danny and his Ah Lian couldn't make it cos he had to attend a company dinner, and Kenneth was too bushed to join us after finishing the day shift at Netcity, so it was just Boon and friend, Eric and Denise, Beow and me. And then I got a rather pleasant surprise with a call from Nora. It seemed that she and Ad decided to come to Penang for the weekend, so I invited them along as well.

The food was good as usual, with the usual order of Fish Head Curry, Kang kung belacan, Plum Sauce Chicken, Claypot Tofu and Otak Otak. I kinda forgot to inform Beow that it was a proper dinner, and he ended up coming over straight after gym in a rather gay green singlet. Needless to say, even Ad took a poke at his gheyness. We chatted for a while after dinner outside of the restaurant, and for once I felt no tension that normally accompanies World Cup matches. Senegal and Turkey were playing and I was a calm as I could be. I didn't bother betting for the Spain - Korea game and I put in a rather minimum bet in for Senegal on level odds. I neither lost nor won and I'm quite happy about it as well. Denise suggested we continue our chit chat somewhere else, so we adjourned to No Eye Deer, while Nora and Ad went up to Batu Feringghi for some shopping. Tiger was going for RM16 per set of 3 so we decided to drink there for the rest of the night.

Adren decided to join us after arriving from KL just hours before. Seems like he's gonna be back indefinately. We made plans for next week's Leisure Cove session, with Jobe suggesting that everyone must shotgun a can of Barons` before anything else during the session. I have a bad feeling about next week already. We were joined later by Amy, Ee Lee and Bok, and a few others, and I decided to walk over to Nets to check how things were going. The place was totally packed, so I got back to No Eye Deer to find that Beow and Eric left. Eric had to drop Denise back and Beow joined us again later , changing from his ghey singlet to his ghey Ricky Martin shirt. We called it a night at around 2.30am with my going back to Nets to close up the place, and also for some quiet time talking with Eric, bout life and such.